SAY NO TO DOMESTIC VIOLENCE

                            WOMEN-SAY NO TO DOMESTIC VIOLENCE

     On www.9jamom.com, the theme for the month of February is DOMESTIC VIOLENCE. I am using this medium to write on the subject and also invite you-my friends to www.9jamom.com. 9jamom.com is an online community where moms (dads are invited too) learn, share, teach and complement each other in this journey of motherhood-parenthood.

      DOMESTIC VIOLENCE can be defined as a pattern of abusive behavior in any relationship that is used by one partner to gain or maintain power and control over an “Intimate Partner’.

The United Nations defines violence against women as any act of gender-based violence that results in, or is likely to result in physical, sexual or mental harm or suffering to women, including threats of such acts, coercion or arbitrary deprivation of liberty, whether occurring in public or in private life.

Domestic Violence (let’s call it DV) mostly comprises of-

-       Physical harm especially battering

-       Sexual or psychological harm

-       Physical aggression

-       Sexual coercion especially rape

-       Psychological (emotional) abuse

-       Controlling behaviors

-       Threats of abuse

Enough of the big definitions. I know what it is to experience domestic violence-or to be in an abusive relationship (at least that’s the subtle name we call it).

I know that you don’t have to die to go to hell. What have these soon-to-be 25years eyes not seen? Blessing! Only You!

     I got pregnant as a teenager and I stayed for a little while in the relationship out of the prospects of facing the world as a Teenage/Single mother and whatever label the society would put on me.

My baby papa is handsome (why is it mostly the handsome ones?), religious, influential, wonderful, caring and to some the ideal man. Away from the prying eyes of the public , He beat me at the slightest provocation, even when I didn’t do anything wrong; took out his frustrations on me; changed my mobile number, chose my clothes, hair-do, wanted me to leave school for a school of his choice, gave me a ‘janded’ name and all manner of unimaginable things. He beat one day with his belt that his cousin (a male) was forced to tell me I was stupid for holding on.

It took a message from T.D. Jakes to make me walk out of the relationship. Domestic violence and other reasons! I left with a truckload of souvenirs; The title I was dreading-Single mother, a shattered self-esteem, an almost miscarried pregnancy (she seemed determined to come to this world, my doctor is still in shock of how I didn’t lose it especially when he sees my blondie), a beautiful babygirl, MY LIFE, some hurt joints, new purpose, a gigantic lesson…the list is endless.

I was lucky to leave alive, so I understand what you are passing through and though am healed now, I get scared when anyone raises a hand even if it jokingly.

      Domestic Violence is a serious threat for most women. The signs are endless, some of the signs are:

-       Calls you names, insults or puts you down

-       Prevents you from going to work or doing things you have always done

-       Uses Silent Treatment as manipulation technique

-       Stops you from seeing family members and friends and if he does chooses a select few which he feels wont teach you bad things

-       Tries to control all you do-clothes you wear, drugs you take, everything to suit his taste

-       Acts jealous or possessive or constantly accuses you of being unfaithful

-       Gets angry unnecessarily especially after drinking alcohol

-       Threatens you with violence or weapons

-       Hits, kicks, shoves, slaps, chokes or otherwise hurts you, your children or pets

-       Forces you to have sex or engage in sexual acts against your will

-       Blames you for his behavior or tells you that you deserve it

-       Portrays the violence as mutual and consensual

-       Apologizes after every abuse especially with gifts or wonderful love-making, promises to change but repeats the cycle again.

The longer you stay in an abusive relationship, the greater the toll on your self-esteem. You begin to doubt your ability to take care of yourself, wonder if the abuse is your fault or even justify his actions. Many women leave those relationships with bruises, shattered self-esteem, broken bones, black or blind eyes, scars etc, and the unlucky ones DIE. Yes oh, some women die!

The first step to healing is TELLING SOMEONE ABOUT THE ABUSE. Don’t keep quiet about it, get someone you can confide in. You need all the help, support and encouragement you can get.

The second step is to LEAVE. PLEASE LEAVE even if it’s temporarily till he gets his senses back (some never get it back) and if he doesn’t, GO ON WITH YOUR LIFE. It may sound unchristian, unreligious (please tell me that word exists) or whatever word people will use but it’s the right thing to do. Leave for the sake of your children-if you have any, yourself-so you can meet a man who will treat you good and give you children or even treat the children you have well, make something out of life and be happy. Yorubas have an adage that says “to ba tori okunrin kan ku, egberun a koja lori saare e” meaning if you die ‘cause of one man, a 1000men will pass over your grave.

DOMESTIC VIOLENCE IS DEMEANING. If you stay in such a relationship or don’t seek help, it means you,

-       Do not have value (self-value)-offence intended

-       Need help!

Stop the cycle of the abuse. Help that person who is going through such.

REMEMBER- LOVE DOESN’T AND SHOULDN’T HURT.

NB- Women, this is not a clarion call to make you misbehave, run your mouths like taps and act unethically.

Don’t forget, we are expecting you on www.9jamom.com