SAY NO TO DOMESTIC VIOLENCE

                            WOMEN-SAY NO TO DOMESTIC VIOLENCE

     On www.9jamom.com, the theme for the month of February is DOMESTIC VIOLENCE. I am using this medium to write on the subject and also invite you-my friends to www.9jamom.com. 9jamom.com is an online community where moms (dads are invited too) learn, share, teach and complement each other in this journey of motherhood-parenthood.

      DOMESTIC VIOLENCE can be defined as a pattern of abusive behavior in any relationship that is used by one partner to gain or maintain power and control over an “Intimate Partner’.

The United Nations defines violence against women as any act of gender-based violence that results in, or is likely to result in physical, sexual or mental harm or suffering to women, including threats of such acts, coercion or arbitrary deprivation of liberty, whether occurring in public or in private life.

Domestic Violence (let’s call it DV) mostly comprises of-

-       Physical harm especially battering

-       Sexual or psychological harm

-       Physical aggression

-       Sexual coercion especially rape

-       Psychological (emotional) abuse

-       Controlling behaviors

-       Threats of abuse

Enough of the big definitions. I know what it is to experience domestic violence-or to be in an abusive relationship (at least that’s the subtle name we call it).

I know that you don’t have to die to go to hell. What have these soon-to-be 25years eyes not seen? Blessing! Only You!

     I got pregnant as a teenager and I stayed for a little while in the relationship out of the prospects of facing the world as a Teenage/Single mother and whatever label the society would put on me.

My baby papa is handsome (why is it mostly the handsome ones?), religious, influential, wonderful, caring and to some the ideal man. Away from the prying eyes of the public , He beat me at the slightest provocation, even when I didn’t do anything wrong; took out his frustrations on me; changed my mobile number, chose my clothes, hair-do, wanted me to leave school for a school of his choice, gave me a ‘janded’ name and all manner of unimaginable things. He beat one day with his belt that his cousin (a male) was forced to tell me I was stupid for holding on.

It took a message from T.D. Jakes to make me walk out of the relationship. Domestic violence and other reasons! I left with a truckload of souvenirs; The title I was dreading-Single mother, a shattered self-esteem, an almost miscarried pregnancy (she seemed determined to come to this world, my doctor is still in shock of how I didn’t lose it especially when he sees my blondie), a beautiful babygirl, MY LIFE, some hurt joints, new purpose, a gigantic lesson…the list is endless.

I was lucky to leave alive, so I understand what you are passing through and though am healed now, I get scared when anyone raises a hand even if it jokingly.

      Domestic Violence is a serious threat for most women. The signs are endless, some of the signs are:

-       Calls you names, insults or puts you down

-       Prevents you from going to work or doing things you have always done

-       Uses Silent Treatment as manipulation technique

-       Stops you from seeing family members and friends and if he does chooses a select few which he feels wont teach you bad things

-       Tries to control all you do-clothes you wear, drugs you take, everything to suit his taste

-       Acts jealous or possessive or constantly accuses you of being unfaithful

-       Gets angry unnecessarily especially after drinking alcohol

-       Threatens you with violence or weapons

-       Hits, kicks, shoves, slaps, chokes or otherwise hurts you, your children or pets

-       Forces you to have sex or engage in sexual acts against your will

-       Blames you for his behavior or tells you that you deserve it

-       Portrays the violence as mutual and consensual

-       Apologizes after every abuse especially with gifts or wonderful love-making, promises to change but repeats the cycle again.

The longer you stay in an abusive relationship, the greater the toll on your self-esteem. You begin to doubt your ability to take care of yourself, wonder if the abuse is your fault or even justify his actions. Many women leave those relationships with bruises, shattered self-esteem, broken bones, black or blind eyes, scars etc, and the unlucky ones DIE. Yes oh, some women die!

The first step to healing is TELLING SOMEONE ABOUT THE ABUSE. Don’t keep quiet about it, get someone you can confide in. You need all the help, support and encouragement you can get.

The second step is to LEAVE. PLEASE LEAVE even if it’s temporarily till he gets his senses back (some never get it back) and if he doesn’t, GO ON WITH YOUR LIFE. It may sound unchristian, unreligious (please tell me that word exists) or whatever word people will use but it’s the right thing to do. Leave for the sake of your children-if you have any, yourself-so you can meet a man who will treat you good and give you children or even treat the children you have well, make something out of life and be happy. Yorubas have an adage that says “to ba tori okunrin kan ku, egberun a koja lori saare e” meaning if you die ‘cause of one man, a 1000men will pass over your grave.

DOMESTIC VIOLENCE IS DEMEANING. If you stay in such a relationship or don’t seek help, it means you,

-       Do not have value (self-value)-offence intended

-       Need help!

Stop the cycle of the abuse. Help that person who is going through such.

REMEMBER- LOVE DOESN’T AND SHOULDN’T HURT.

NB- Women, this is not a clarion call to make you misbehave, run your mouths like taps and act unethically.

Don’t forget, we are expecting you on www.9jamom.com

QUOTES ON CHILDREN- PART 1

                                                  

-         CHILDREN ARE OUR MOST VALUABLE NATURAL RESOURCE-HERBERT HOOVER

-          It’s easier to build strong children than to repair broken men- Frederick Douglass

-          A child educated only at school is an uneducated child- George Santayana

-          If you must hold yourself up to children as an object lesson, hold yourself up as a warning and not as an example-George Bernard Shaw

-          Home is the place where boys and girls first learn how to limit their wishes, abide by rules, and consider the rights and needs of others-Sidonie Gruenberg

-          Don’t worry that children never listen to you; worry that they are always watching you-Robert Fulghum

-          For these are all our children, we will all profit by, or pay for, whatever they become-James Baldwin

-          We worry about what a child will become tomorrow yet we forget that he is someone today-Stacia Tauscher

-          When I approach a child, he inspires in me two sentiments; tenderness for what he is, and respect for what he may become-Louis Pasteur

-          Nothing you do for children is ever wasted. They seem not to notice us, hovering, averting our eyes, and they seldom offer thanks, but what we do for them is never wasted-Garrison Keillor

-          All children are artists. The problem is how to remain an artist once he grows up-Pablo Picasso

-          If we don’t stand up for children, then we don’t stand for much-Marian Wright Edelman

-          The most important thing that a father can do for his children is to love their mother-Theodore Hesburg

-          Wealth and children are the adornment of life-Koran

-          It takes a village to raise a child-African Proverb

-          One generation plants the trees; another gets the shade-Chinese proverb

-          The most effective form of birth control I know is spending the day with my kids-Jill Bensley

-          Bitter are the tears of a child: sweeten them

Deep are the thoughts of a child: quiet them

Sharp is the grief of a child: take it from him

Soft is the heart of a child: DO NOT HARDEN IT- Pamela Glenconner

-          Childhood: The period of human life intermediate between the idiocy of infancy and the folly of youth- two removes  from the sin of manhood and three from the remorse of age-Ambrose Bierce

-          To nourish children and raise them against odds is in anytime, anyplace, more valuable than to fix bolts in cars or design nuclear weapons-Marilyn French

-          Making the decision to have a child- it’s momentous. It is to decide forever to have your heart go walking outside your body-Elizabeth Stone

-          Having children makes you no more a parent than having a piano makes you a pianist-Michael Levine

-          Where did we ever get the crazy idea that in order to make children do better, first we have to make them feel worse? Think of the last time you felt humiliated or treated unfairly. Did you feel like cooperating or doing better-Jane Nelson

-          We will not learn to live together in peace by killing each other’s children-Jimmy Carter

-          Children are the most wonderful audiences. What’s struck me most  is that they watch so silently, until the end when they shriek and shout and clap-Emma Thompson

-           

Welcome to Linda Ikeji's Blog: Man accused of raping 12-year-old girl four times

Welcome to Linda Ikeji's Blog: Man accused of raping 12-year-old girl four times: Lagos State Commissioner of Police, Yakubu Alkali Culled from Punch.... Like any observant parent, Mrs. Kehinde Oduntan became concerned...

PARENT-SEARCHING

                                                      “PARENT-SEARCHING”

Welcome to my world. I missed you all. How have you been? How’s work, home front, and all that contributes to making you the wonderful person that you are.  I really mean it, you are wonderful. Now, I like that smile, it fits your face.

You must be wondering what parent searching is about. It’s about you and I as parents. Am still learning the ropes at being a better parent and  am sure you are, no matter how long you have been at it, you still want to get better-at least my parents still do.

Parent searching is in series and this is the first of many to come. It’s a series of random questions that are important in our daily lives as parents. Sometimes you never know the minute details you are leaving out. Please be sincere with yourself for the sake of your child(ren), wards and younger siblings. The questions are straight forward with either ‘yes’ or ‘no’ as answers. You might want to drop your BB, newspaper, laptop, and whatever you are doing and answer these questions. Bring out your journals or sheets of paper so we can grade ourselves. While you are at it, be sincere and remember to laugh at yourself when reality hits you, don’t be hard on yourself-we are all aspiring to be better.

Every ‘Yes’ answer=2points

Every ‘No’ answer=1point

Bon voyage or should I say bon appétit, either way, have fun and lets know what you think at the end of your parent-searching.

That kid is surely blessed to have you as his/her parent, guardian, sibling or caregiver.

THE SEARCHING BEGINS   

1.       Do you have self-control issues?

2.       Do you see some streak of your childhood/youthful rebellion in your child?

3.       Do you wish there were some traits your child didn’t inherit from you?

4.       Do you recognize yourself as the most important influencing factor in the life of your child?

5.       When you think of negative happenings around you, do you get scared that you are not doing your best for your child?

6.       Can your children trust you for care, support and protection?

7.       Do you still feel some resentment towards your parents?

8.       Can you boldly say you are very or quite close to your child?

9.       Is your family structure (devoid of violence, abuse, family strife) intact?

10.   Are you present at important times in the life of your child (sports/games, graduations etc)?

11.   Do your children see you as a terror or a friend?

12.   Can they and do they confide in you?

13.   Do I ask questions?

14.   Do your children know that you have high expectations of them (that’s if you really have) and expect them to achieve them?

15.   Do you affirm them positively from time to time?

16.   Do you (can you) intentionally create time to spend with them?

17.   Do you monitor their movements, friends, sexuality and all they do?

18.   Do you provide adequate SEX EDUCATION instead of scary fallacies and myths?

19.   Do you carefully correct them and point out consequences for their wrong doings?

20.   Do you act ‘holier than thou’?

21.   Can you notice a sudden change in mood of your child?

22.   Do you build their self-esteem and self-worth or deflate it?

23.   Are you over-bearing? Do your children always look for an excuse to stay away from you?

24.   Do you still believe that virginity is still in vogue and wish your child is one?

25.   Do you want to get better for the sake of your child?

Hmmmmmmmmm……….. I heaved a deep sigh too.

45-50points------You are an ACE parent. Don’t relent. That child will definitely make you proud.

30-44pointss------HONORS parent. Keep working at it. This isn’t your best.

20-29points------BRONZE parent. Parenting is a job on its own. Press at it. It will get better.

10-19points------WOOD parent. I like the effort. Go back to the drawing board. You might be the next ace parent.

No matter where you belong, always remember that these ‘gifts’ of ours won’t always be here. Have fun, train, scold, laugh, hey include crying, argue-you are only human, sing, play, cook, etc together, WHILE YOU STILL HAVE THE TIME AND THEM AROUND.

                                                                                I’m off to build castles in the sand with my 5-year old gift.

                                                                                Au revoir.

  

ADAH: MY UNCLE MOLESTED ME

                 ADAH: HOW MY UNCLE MOLESTED ME

          A true life story on CHILD SEXUAL ABUSE as told by Adah(not real name). All names have been changed but the story is told in the exact words of the victim (with little omissions for protection purposes) and with her permission. Any resemblance to any other person is coincidental and not intended. I hope this story touches your heart as it did mine and open your eyes to the increase in abuse of children ‘sexually’ among us.

        My name is Adah, I live in Makurdi, Benue State, Nigeria. I am 8years old and in primary four. I was molested by my UNCLE.

I grew up to know Uncle Andrew; He is my FATHER’s YOUNGER BROTHER and came to stay with my parents after they got married.

Uncle Andrew helped around the house but mostly he took care of me. He picked me after school, taught me my homework, fixed my lunch, supervised my washing, made sure I had siesta, played and watched TV with me till my parents returned from work in the evening.

My parents sometimes travel out of Makurdi where we stay but leave me at home with Uncle Andrew because I will be well taken care of.

I really loved my Uncle; He was my best friend.

It all started while I was still 7years old. My parents had travelled very early one Saturday morning leaving me with Uncle Andrew. I wasn’t feeling too well so Uncle Andrew had to bathe me. While bathing me, he put his hand in my private part, at first he was washing it but he later put his finger in it. I didn’t think of anything because he was bathing me.

Two days later, he came to sleep on my bed, (my parents were to spend 10days out of town), you see aunty, we often sleep together especially when we have guests and they had to sleep in his room or whenever I sleep off while watching the television in his room. BUT that night was different; my uncle touched my body and sucked my breasts (I don’t even have breasts yet).

The next day, he repeated the same thing, but this time, he put my hand on his penis (it was big, strong and scary) and told me to rub it. I refused. I was scared. My uncle kept saying he will not hurt me that I was his baby. He told me it was what ‘Uncles did to their babies they really love’. He even made me put my mouth on it till something came out of it. He thanked me and told me that I was the best and he will love me forever.

In the morning, he told me not to tell anyone, because they will not understand and be jealous of our love. Uncle Andrew bought me things every time and sometimes stopped me from going to our neighbor’s house.

     When my parents came back, I told them I wanted to ask them a few things; they always said they were tired, that I should wait till the next day or ask Uncle Andrew. Anytime I try to ask, my parents especially my mother will tell me to wait till tomorrow, there was always an excuse and Uncle Andrew was always around.

  On Friday, two days to my birthday, my uncle repeated all he had been doing, BUT this time, he put his penis inside my private part. It hurt so much. I begged him to stop. I shouted and screamed but I don’t think anyone heard me. When he finished, he told me he loves me and that ‘I shouldn’t tell anyone because no one will believe me’.

That night, I became sick. My mother kept saying it was because i was scared of turning eight. My stomach, private part and legs hurt so much and it was Uncle Andrew (again!!!), they sent to buy me drugs.

The next morning, I was very hot and shivering badly, I couldn’t even stand well. My parents (didn’t travel because of my birthday) took me to the hospital. At the hospital, the doctor asked how I was feeling, when I started feeling sick and the parts of my body that ache. After I answered, the first question she asked me was if anybody had touched my private part. Before I could answer, my mother answered ‘No! She is well taken care’. The doctor asked me to go the laboratory for tests. The tests proved I had been molested, they found some whitish things (sperm) in me.

My parents cried! I cried! The doctor asked me to remove my pants, when she looked at my private part, she too almost cried. She told my parents to come and look at it too. My mother shouted, my father couldn’t look at it well. The doctor was very angry with my parents; she said it was their negligence that caused it. My mother asked me who did it to me. I told them it was Uncle Andrew.

My parents shouted ‘ANDREW!!!’ and asked why I never told them. I told them I tried and reminded them of all the times I tried to get their attention to it.

The doctor gave me some drugs and told me to rest, that she will come with a lady I will like to talk to. I got home tired but I remember my father crying and shouting at Uncle Andrew to leave the house that he didn’t want to have anything to do with him. My mother held me and cried, saying she was sorry for being too busy.

    The next day, Sunday- MY BIRTHDAY was a sad day. I slept in my parents room and I woke up to see them looking at me, am sure they didn’t sleep.

By 10am, our doctor came with a lady. The doctor says I will have an operation once the pain reduces. The lady talked to me alone (first), she made me laugh, cry, write, and hugged me. She then talked to my parents; then she talked to all of us together.

She said the first step to recovery was to let out what I feel (vent whatever emotions you may be feeling). I have cried, am tired of crying. I asked her questions too. What did I ever do to Uncle Andrew for him to do that to me?

The second step she said is to talk about it. That’s why am telling my story.

Please pray for me as I try to recover from this and protect a child next to you. Aunt Timi says, ‘Anybody can abuse/molest another, n matter the type of relationship between them’.

Thank you.

Dealing With Teenage Pregnancy.

I got pregnant as a teenager years ago; as some who know me or have been following my sex, youth/teenage/pregnancy, women, children etc. focussed articles on my blog might know. Back then, I realised that I knew little about sex and its consequences. I never really stayed with my parents and when I did eventually stay with them, I guess they treaded with caution but didn't say anything. Getting pregnant then changed my life: I almost dropped out of school; having to deal with the stigma and making huge sacrifices. If someone had talked to me about sex back then, I would have known better and kept myself. In addition, I lost a neighbour who got pregnant at the age of 15. Unlike me, she couldn’t stand the stigma and burden and eventually had an abortion that claimed her life. These two heart-harrowing experiences, birthed in me the passion to stand as a light bearer to show millions of young girls around the world today who may be going through the same challenge how to prevent making the faux pas I did, and for those who have, guide them (and or their parents or guardians) on how to handle this precarious situation, through which my neighbour lost her life like many others too have and are still losing their lives today.

- What is Teenage Pregnancy?
Teenage Pregnancy is pregnancy in girls age 19 or younger.


- Causes, Incidence, and Risk Factors -

The rate of adolescent pregnancy and the birth rate for adolescents have generally declined since reaching an all-time high in 1990, mostly due to the increased use of condoms. Adolescent pregnancy is a complex issue with many reasons for concern. Younger adolescents (12 - 14 years old) are more likely to have unplanned sexual intercourse and more likely to be coerced into sex. Adolescents 18 - 19 years old are technically adults, and half of adolescent pregnancies occur in this age group.

- Risk factors for adolescent pregnancy include:

• Younger age
• Poor school performance
• Economic disadvantage
• Single or teen parents




- Teenage Pregnancy symptoms include:

• Abdominal distension
• Breast enlargement and breast tenderness
• Fatigue
• Light-headedness or actual fainting
• Missed period
• Nausea/vomiting
• Frequent urination




- Signs and tests -     

The adolescent may or may not admit to being involved sexually. If the teen is pregnant, there are usually weight changes (usually a gain, but there may be a loss if nausea and vomiting are significant). Examination may show increased abdominal girth, and the health care provider may be able to feel the fundus (the top of the enlarged uterus).
Pelvic examination may reveal bluish or purple coloration of vaginal walls, bluish or purple coloration and softening of the cervix, and softening and enlargement of the uterus.
• A pregnancy test of urine and/or serum HCG are usually positive.
• A pregnancy ultrasound may be done to confirm or check accurate dates for pregnancy.




- Treatment -

All options made available to the pregnant teen should be considered carefully, including abortion, adoption, and raising the child with community or family support. Discussion with the teen may require several visits with a health care provider to explain all options in a non-judgmental manner and involve the parents or the father of the baby as appropriate.
Early and adequate prenatal care, preferably through a program that specializes in teenage pregnancies, ensures a healthier baby. Pregnant teens need to be assessed for smoking, alcohol use, and drug use, and they should be offered support to help them quit.
Adequate nutrition can be encouraged through education and community resources. Appropriate exercise and adequate sleep should also be emphasized. Contraceptive information and services are important after delivery to prevent teens from becoming pregnant again.
Pregnant teens and those who have recently given birth should be encouraged and helped to remain in school or re-enter educational programs that give them the skills to be better parents, and provide for their child financially and emotionally. Accessible and affordable child care is an important factor in teen mothers continuing school or entering the work force.




- Expectations (prognosis) -

Having her first child during adolescence makes a woman more likely to have more children overall. Teen mothers are about 2 years behind their age group in completing their education. Women who have a baby during their teen years are more likely to live in poverty.
Teen mothers with a history of substance abuse are more likely to start abusing by about 6 months after delivery.
Teen mothers are more likely than older mothers to have a second child within 2 years of their first child.
Infants born to teenage mothers are at greater risk for developmental problems. Girls born to teen mothers are more likely to become teen mothers themselves, and boys born to teen mothers have a higher than average rate of being arrested and jailed.




- Complications -

Adolescent pregnancy is associated with higher rates of illness and death for both the mother and infant. Death from violence is the second leading cause of death durig pregnancy for teens, and is higher in teens than in any other group.
Pregnant teens are at much higher risk of having serious medical complications such as:

• Placenta previa
• Pregnancy-induced hypertension
• Premature delivery
• Significant anemia
• Toxemia

Infants born to teens are 2 - 6 times more likely to have low birth weight than those born to mothers age 20 or older. Prematurity plays the greatest role in low birth weight, but intrauterine growth retardation (inadequate growth of the fetus during pregnancy) is also a factor.
Teen mothers are more likely to have unhealthy habits that place the infant at greater risk for inadequate growth, infection, or chemical dependence. The younger a mother is below age 20, the greater the risk of her infant dying during the first year of life.
It is very important for pregnant teens to have early and adequate prenatal care.




- Calling your Health Care Provider -

Make an appointment with your health care provider if you have symptoms of pregnancy. Vigilant parents or guardians who have discovered that their daughter is pregnant or seem to show such symptoms may be in a better position to do this as it is characteristic of such girl to want to hide it from the parents (especially in parts of the world where being pregnant at such age is strongly frowned at by parents.) Your health care provider can also provide counseling regarding birth control methods, sexually transmitted diseases etc.

Angry Nigerian Children Write Jonathan Over Blasts.

Dear Mr. President,

We should say Merry Christmas but we are not your goverment, we are not in the business of deception. After almost ten hours of gathering your thoughts to speak on the bomb blasts that rocked the nation yesterday, you still fell short of your own very low standards. What did you intend to say when you said Bomb Blasts are a burden we must live with? Why do you bother to budget over a trillion for security if we must live the burden of insecurity? How come you are still a president? We do not blame you, we blame our older ones who were stupid enough to think that where you come from and your religion was all you needed to be a competent president.
They are crying now. We all cried yesterday on the darkest Christmas day of our short lives. While we cried and left Christmas postponed for another year, we watched as you danced your life away like there was no tomorrow. Is it true that all you care about is the fact that you are the president so whatever can happen should happen. Last night we prayed for you. We prayed that the white men should be able to make common sense so that we can budget for it and then you will have it in abundance. As it is, it is obvious sir that you are grossly lacking in common sense. If you weren’t, you would never come out to tell a mourning nation that it should get ready to live with the burden of destruction and insecurity. That was utterly insensitive and even the dumbest of our mates, fellow Nigerian children would never descend that low to an unprecedented level of cluelessness.
We understand this is not a sane country, if this was a sane country, your likes will not be in a job. Your security chiefs, yourself and your cabinet would have been throwing resignation letters left right and centre. But then, here is a place where people are satisfied with just being in positions, that they are clueless about what to do in such positions does not matter.
Mr. President, Boko Haram defeated you in 2011. What plans are you making for 2012? Do you realise they have since improved while your security tactics remain stop and search? Do you realise they are far more coordinated than ever before? Have you thought of engaging more intelligence in curbing this menace instead of just mere brute? Yes, you have issues with concentrating for long, why not budget for a concentrator? That way you are conditioned to at least focus on being the president of Nigeria instead of our national chief chef? You are wondering where that came from? It came from cassava bread sir. You chose the menu for 2012 but we hope you realise that Boko Haram certainly has a menu.
Please Mr. President, they will look to attack again in the New Year, do what you have never done before, get your security chiefs to prevent that by all means. Contrary to your assertion, we are not prepared to live with the burden of bomb blasts. Get yourself to work and stop excusing your inability to deal with Boko Haram on the premise that they are a necessity. What is that? If you cannot lead and be a president, help yourself and resign. Please take your vice-president along. You are a twin set of incompetence.
This letter has been written with kind words, not because we are in the mood to be nice to you but because we are children and respect is a value we want to live with but our lack of it sometimes is a burden you must live with as long as you force us to live with your Boko Haram burden.
We wrote you a letter on subsidy yesterday but we figured it would be better to send this before you get our other letter. As long as your cluelessness reigns supreme in this country, we will always remind you of our angst and stake in this nation. It is not by force to live in Aso Rock. So if you must, do the right things, say the right things and learn to get the basic things right.

The Bomb Blasts darkened our Christmas but your response dampened our mood even further. This is not the way to lead a people. If you need help, we will nominate one of us to offer you words of wisdom for free. As it is, you look overwhelmed by the mere job of providing security for Nigeria let alone the other duties you swore to carry out for Nigeria.
Action point: Sack yourself sir, and take Arc. Namadi Sambo along. It is a good place to start.
Signed:

Association of Conscious Nigerian Children (ACNC)

Posted On Monday, December 26, 2011 By Japh. Under ARTICLES 

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