Once Upon A Mess...Now A Message To Bless.

Met this young man.

6 years ago it was, I met this young man; young, innocent, naive but adventurous as I was, I got involved with him and we did what we shouldn't have done. Hmmnn... That forbidden act as unmarried 1 adolescent  (me) and 1 adult (him) resulted in an unplanned-for pregnancy.

Pregnant?!!! Preg...what? Me? P-r-e-g-n-a-n-t?!!! Ah! "I am finished!" So I thought..."how was I going to break this shameful news to my parents?" "Should I hide? Hide where? Should I run away? Where to? Should I go get rid of it?"  God! I couldn't bring myself to have an abortion, I was scared of those sharp and pricky instruments they use-they look like subsistent farming implements-sickle, garden fork etc. Those who allow them use those tools on them must be out of their minds! These and many more begging-for-answers questions raced through my troubled mind and cluttered brain. Pregnancy, especially in a slim adolescent as I was at the time was not something that could be hidden successfully for long, at least not for 9 months without my parents' eagle eyes picking it. Not to talk about the tell tale signs of pregnancy- the early morning sickness, weakness, spitting, loss of appetite, nauseating feelings, vomiting  in some cases etc. Yuhk!

I remember like yesterday.

I remember like yesterday, that dreaded September morning to remember, having finally summoned the courage to face the music, when I dropped the bombshell. Was it a bombshell or a dynamite?! I remember my Mum looking at me as if she had seen a ghost. She was just speechless and lost. I could imagine what must have been coursing through her turmoiled mind. "Ehn? ...is it true, I'm I dreaming or watching a true life movie?" Not my Timidi...impossible!" Poor Mum...against all her faith-fighting thoughts it was true...her supposed innocent but misled girl had eaten the 'forbidden fruit.' My Dad on his part kept sighing heavily for an hour uninterruptedly. Couldn't figure what was traversing his disheveled mind. Finally, he broke his pregnant silence. He said slowly and calmly: (in Yoruba language- the language of the western part of Nigeria.) : "Kilo fe se ni siyin?" (Meaning- what is your decision now on this matter?) Struggling to find my voice, when I finally did, I quiveringly said: I couldn't bring myself to have an abortion. He then said: "You are responsible for your decisions." That verdict marked the genesis of my adult life.

This exodus to my adult life was not a roller coaster after all. Each phase of it came with it's different melodrama. The months of the pregnancy following my open disclosure to my parents was an eclectic mix of the 'good' the 'bad' and the 'ugly'. The physical pressure induced by the biological changes characteristic of the growth of the 'seed' residing within me took its toll on me. I am moved to tears right now remembering how so motherly my Mum gave her support all through to this unprepared, naive, young and expectant mother. To mothers who find themselves today in my Mum's shoes years back, this is not the time to say all the unprintable words to your daughter or disown her. I am not saying you should condone. No! Condemn what she has done because there is nothing worthy of emulation in what I did, but the way my parents maturely handled it puts me on this rostrum today to be sharing with you. After letting her know you don't like what she has done, what you should give her at this time; you and her father is your love, support and unflinching care. If the contrary is the case, you may worsen the already bad situation and trust me, you as the mother will be the one to share the greater regret and shame.

The Shame...ah!

The social shame I faced is also a worthy source of life lesson. I lost friends and received a barrage of insults from ex-friends (as they left me) gossiping and busy body neighbours. I learnt that when you are 'up' your friends know you, but when you are 'down' YOU KNOW YOUR FRIENDS! Yeah the insults! They were so emotionally disturbing such that walking around the neighbourhood sometimes with my inconcealable and protruding tummy, the insults almost ran me bunkers. I wept endlessly...cried my self to sleep many nights. Not to talk about the fact that I am a very emotional person who cries with ease. I soon got used to the insults. Did I tell you that Daddy is a clergyman and Mum a Christian Religious Studies teacher? So you can imagine how my shameful act brought them untold shame. As a young girl, I was always in the eye of the public and very stubborn, so after years of sobering up, this incident came as a shocker to everyone. The only one who in the midst of all these pressures seemed unreservedly pleased was my kid sister, Damilola -Dammy, she wanted a sibling and I was giving her one on a platter of diamonds. Wink*** .

Are you musing in your heart wondering who or where is the man with whom I shared the 'forbidden fruit'? The man? Hmmnnn...You don't want to know. As it is the case of when opportunistic older men take advantage of the naivety of younger, inexperienced and unsuspecting girls, lured with deceitful statements such as: "I love you", "I will take good care of you", "I will buy this for you, I will buy that for you"...so it was in my case. He left me hanging in the balance after learning about my pregnancy. My dear young girlfriend, any young man who tells you he loves you and is more concerned about messing with your body and not interested in seeing to your progress; spiritually, academically, emotionally and in other edifying ways DOES NOT love you...he is only LUSTING FOR YOUR BODY!  I can assure you that if you let him, the regret and the irrevocable shame will be yours. Need I tell you I speak from experience?

Friends indeed.

In your life's lowest moments you may lose 'friends' as it was in my case, but your travails will not only be characterised by losses, but also gains.  I made new friends who stood by me- friends indeed and in need; Ademola Adeniran, Seun Adewuyi , Bunmi Adetunji, Christiana Sanni, Engineering team FSE Ladoke Akintola University of Technology, Ogbomoso, Oyo State, Nigeria (LAUTECH), Roseline Ogunlade and a few more. To you all I say: "Thank you for not joining the crowd to judge me, for loving me and helping me. Your love, encouragements and support gave me the strength to face the world." To my old friends who stuck with me inspite of the shame and shared my shame with me- true friends, friends indeed; The Adiatus, Niyi Osunbade, Ema Amaechi, Abigail Ikhiede, etc. :"Thank you for still seeing the best in me."  Still, at a point, I  almost dropped out of school, not because Dad and Mum wouldnt pay my fees again, infact they were so wonderful and still are. Especially when on the 16th  of May, 2006, I had my daughter- Glory, Blondy, Zoe, Chelsea. Waaaoh!!! After all the shame, you can't imagine the boundless joy that filled me with the birth of my baby. The most precious thing to me. In a matter of weeks from today, she will be 5! Each time I look back to that 'September to remember', I remain convinced that one of the wisest and perhaps the most couragous decisions of my life that I ever made was to keep her and never get rid of her. She is a great star in the making and a source of favour. The events of her life till date prove so and as her mother, my intuition tells. My parents took full responsibility for her (the girl is actually theirs; by virtue of the way they cared for her) and yours truly-I just couldn't cope. That is why I value the support of my parents so much and that of my aforementioned friends especially Seun and Demola who 'bullied' me into staying back in school- I am glad they did. Sometimes, love is tough! That was what Seun and Demola showed me- tough love. To my first mentor-Oladele Olunike; you top my list of gratitude; for your unflinching support, counsels and encouragement.

Empowering young people.

My dear friend, (especially) the young girl who may be circa the age I was at the time of this experience, your studies, obedience to your parents and other constituted authorities should be your priorities at this time. I have learnt the hard way, you don't have to. Make my experience a lesson you should learn from. My dear friends who are parents (especially mothers like me) or aspiring parents, please know as I often like to say that: any faux pas in the upbringing of a child can mar its childhood and if not quickly salvaged can ruin such a destiny. Please make your child's upbringing a priority today so you don't face shame and experience heartache tomorrow. If you have a stubborn or heady child as I was years ago, perhaps what that child requires of you is better understanding, patience and friendliness. The error we parents make sometimes is that we don't allow our children express how they feel on issues concerning them, neither do we consider that their views are important. As long as we stifle our children, they will not be open to us, they will prefer to confide in inexperienced friends or boyfriends or girlfriends who may lead them astray as they sometimes do. I will also urge you to be an inspiring example to your children. Let your life inspire them to obedience and a life worthy of emulation than your words. Remember our children learn more from what we do before them than what we say to them. Perhaps you my dear friend reading this blog once found yourself in my shoes today; (having had a child out of wedlock and the baby's father rejected you and that experience had plunged you into a life of hardship), like I was and you think life is all over, the story of my life should inspire you differently. That one time naive, innocent, misled girl who got pregnant out of wedlock, today as a Child and Youth Development Strategist and Consultant, I devote my time to empowering young people for productive youth life. Through our youth-centric organisation- C.H.A.N.G.E. Catalysts, we facilitate a quarterly empowerment seminar for young people to educate them on sex education, emotional and sexual abuse therapeutic recovery, campaign against teenage pregnancy and such related matters. Over time, by the grace of God, the support of my family and good friends,  I have been able to pick up myself from my "Once Upon A Mess..." and turned my learnt lessons into "...a message now to bless." Same can be your story! I wish you all the best!