PARENT-SEARCHING

                                                      “PARENT-SEARCHING”

Welcome to my world. I missed you all. How have you been? How’s work, home front, and all that contributes to making you the wonderful person that you are.  I really mean it, you are wonderful. Now, I like that smile, it fits your face.

You must be wondering what parent searching is about. It’s about you and I as parents. Am still learning the ropes at being a better parent and  am sure you are, no matter how long you have been at it, you still want to get better-at least my parents still do.

Parent searching is in series and this is the first of many to come. It’s a series of random questions that are important in our daily lives as parents. Sometimes you never know the minute details you are leaving out. Please be sincere with yourself for the sake of your child(ren), wards and younger siblings. The questions are straight forward with either ‘yes’ or ‘no’ as answers. You might want to drop your BB, newspaper, laptop, and whatever you are doing and answer these questions. Bring out your journals or sheets of paper so we can grade ourselves. While you are at it, be sincere and remember to laugh at yourself when reality hits you, don’t be hard on yourself-we are all aspiring to be better.

Every ‘Yes’ answer=2points

Every ‘No’ answer=1point

Bon voyage or should I say bon appétit, either way, have fun and lets know what you think at the end of your parent-searching.

That kid is surely blessed to have you as his/her parent, guardian, sibling or caregiver.

THE SEARCHING BEGINS   

1.       Do you have self-control issues?

2.       Do you see some streak of your childhood/youthful rebellion in your child?

3.       Do you wish there were some traits your child didn’t inherit from you?

4.       Do you recognize yourself as the most important influencing factor in the life of your child?

5.       When you think of negative happenings around you, do you get scared that you are not doing your best for your child?

6.       Can your children trust you for care, support and protection?

7.       Do you still feel some resentment towards your parents?

8.       Can you boldly say you are very or quite close to your child?

9.       Is your family structure (devoid of violence, abuse, family strife) intact?

10.   Are you present at important times in the life of your child (sports/games, graduations etc)?

11.   Do your children see you as a terror or a friend?

12.   Can they and do they confide in you?

13.   Do I ask questions?

14.   Do your children know that you have high expectations of them (that’s if you really have) and expect them to achieve them?

15.   Do you affirm them positively from time to time?

16.   Do you (can you) intentionally create time to spend with them?

17.   Do you monitor their movements, friends, sexuality and all they do?

18.   Do you provide adequate SEX EDUCATION instead of scary fallacies and myths?

19.   Do you carefully correct them and point out consequences for their wrong doings?

20.   Do you act ‘holier than thou’?

21.   Can you notice a sudden change in mood of your child?

22.   Do you build their self-esteem and self-worth or deflate it?

23.   Are you over-bearing? Do your children always look for an excuse to stay away from you?

24.   Do you still believe that virginity is still in vogue and wish your child is one?

25.   Do you want to get better for the sake of your child?

Hmmmmmmmmm……….. I heaved a deep sigh too.

45-50points------You are an ACE parent. Don’t relent. That child will definitely make you proud.

30-44pointss------HONORS parent. Keep working at it. This isn’t your best.

20-29points------BRONZE parent. Parenting is a job on its own. Press at it. It will get better.

10-19points------WOOD parent. I like the effort. Go back to the drawing board. You might be the next ace parent.

No matter where you belong, always remember that these ‘gifts’ of ours won’t always be here. Have fun, train, scold, laugh, hey include crying, argue-you are only human, sing, play, cook, etc together, WHILE YOU STILL HAVE THE TIME AND THEM AROUND.

                                                                                I’m off to build castles in the sand with my 5-year old gift.

                                                                                Au revoir.

  

ADAH: MY UNCLE MOLESTED ME

                 ADAH: HOW MY UNCLE MOLESTED ME

          A true life story on CHILD SEXUAL ABUSE as told by Adah(not real name). All names have been changed but the story is told in the exact words of the victim (with little omissions for protection purposes) and with her permission. Any resemblance to any other person is coincidental and not intended. I hope this story touches your heart as it did mine and open your eyes to the increase in abuse of children ‘sexually’ among us.

        My name is Adah, I live in Makurdi, Benue State, Nigeria. I am 8years old and in primary four. I was molested by my UNCLE.

I grew up to know Uncle Andrew; He is my FATHER’s YOUNGER BROTHER and came to stay with my parents after they got married.

Uncle Andrew helped around the house but mostly he took care of me. He picked me after school, taught me my homework, fixed my lunch, supervised my washing, made sure I had siesta, played and watched TV with me till my parents returned from work in the evening.

My parents sometimes travel out of Makurdi where we stay but leave me at home with Uncle Andrew because I will be well taken care of.

I really loved my Uncle; He was my best friend.

It all started while I was still 7years old. My parents had travelled very early one Saturday morning leaving me with Uncle Andrew. I wasn’t feeling too well so Uncle Andrew had to bathe me. While bathing me, he put his hand in my private part, at first he was washing it but he later put his finger in it. I didn’t think of anything because he was bathing me.

Two days later, he came to sleep on my bed, (my parents were to spend 10days out of town), you see aunty, we often sleep together especially when we have guests and they had to sleep in his room or whenever I sleep off while watching the television in his room. BUT that night was different; my uncle touched my body and sucked my breasts (I don’t even have breasts yet).

The next day, he repeated the same thing, but this time, he put my hand on his penis (it was big, strong and scary) and told me to rub it. I refused. I was scared. My uncle kept saying he will not hurt me that I was his baby. He told me it was what ‘Uncles did to their babies they really love’. He even made me put my mouth on it till something came out of it. He thanked me and told me that I was the best and he will love me forever.

In the morning, he told me not to tell anyone, because they will not understand and be jealous of our love. Uncle Andrew bought me things every time and sometimes stopped me from going to our neighbor’s house.

     When my parents came back, I told them I wanted to ask them a few things; they always said they were tired, that I should wait till the next day or ask Uncle Andrew. Anytime I try to ask, my parents especially my mother will tell me to wait till tomorrow, there was always an excuse and Uncle Andrew was always around.

  On Friday, two days to my birthday, my uncle repeated all he had been doing, BUT this time, he put his penis inside my private part. It hurt so much. I begged him to stop. I shouted and screamed but I don’t think anyone heard me. When he finished, he told me he loves me and that ‘I shouldn’t tell anyone because no one will believe me’.

That night, I became sick. My mother kept saying it was because i was scared of turning eight. My stomach, private part and legs hurt so much and it was Uncle Andrew (again!!!), they sent to buy me drugs.

The next morning, I was very hot and shivering badly, I couldn’t even stand well. My parents (didn’t travel because of my birthday) took me to the hospital. At the hospital, the doctor asked how I was feeling, when I started feeling sick and the parts of my body that ache. After I answered, the first question she asked me was if anybody had touched my private part. Before I could answer, my mother answered ‘No! She is well taken care’. The doctor asked me to go the laboratory for tests. The tests proved I had been molested, they found some whitish things (sperm) in me.

My parents cried! I cried! The doctor asked me to remove my pants, when she looked at my private part, she too almost cried. She told my parents to come and look at it too. My mother shouted, my father couldn’t look at it well. The doctor was very angry with my parents; she said it was their negligence that caused it. My mother asked me who did it to me. I told them it was Uncle Andrew.

My parents shouted ‘ANDREW!!!’ and asked why I never told them. I told them I tried and reminded them of all the times I tried to get their attention to it.

The doctor gave me some drugs and told me to rest, that she will come with a lady I will like to talk to. I got home tired but I remember my father crying and shouting at Uncle Andrew to leave the house that he didn’t want to have anything to do with him. My mother held me and cried, saying she was sorry for being too busy.

    The next day, Sunday- MY BIRTHDAY was a sad day. I slept in my parents room and I woke up to see them looking at me, am sure they didn’t sleep.

By 10am, our doctor came with a lady. The doctor says I will have an operation once the pain reduces. The lady talked to me alone (first), she made me laugh, cry, write, and hugged me. She then talked to my parents; then she talked to all of us together.

She said the first step to recovery was to let out what I feel (vent whatever emotions you may be feeling). I have cried, am tired of crying. I asked her questions too. What did I ever do to Uncle Andrew for him to do that to me?

The second step she said is to talk about it. That’s why am telling my story.

Please pray for me as I try to recover from this and protect a child next to you. Aunt Timi says, ‘Anybody can abuse/molest another, n matter the type of relationship between them’.

Thank you.

Dealing With Teenage Pregnancy.

I got pregnant as a teenager years ago; as some who know me or have been following my sex, youth/teenage/pregnancy, women, children etc. focussed articles on my blog might know. Back then, I realised that I knew little about sex and its consequences. I never really stayed with my parents and when I did eventually stay with them, I guess they treaded with caution but didn't say anything. Getting pregnant then changed my life: I almost dropped out of school; having to deal with the stigma and making huge sacrifices. If someone had talked to me about sex back then, I would have known better and kept myself. In addition, I lost a neighbour who got pregnant at the age of 15. Unlike me, she couldn’t stand the stigma and burden and eventually had an abortion that claimed her life. These two heart-harrowing experiences, birthed in me the passion to stand as a light bearer to show millions of young girls around the world today who may be going through the same challenge how to prevent making the faux pas I did, and for those who have, guide them (and or their parents or guardians) on how to handle this precarious situation, through which my neighbour lost her life like many others too have and are still losing their lives today.

- What is Teenage Pregnancy?
Teenage Pregnancy is pregnancy in girls age 19 or younger.


- Causes, Incidence, and Risk Factors -

The rate of adolescent pregnancy and the birth rate for adolescents have generally declined since reaching an all-time high in 1990, mostly due to the increased use of condoms. Adolescent pregnancy is a complex issue with many reasons for concern. Younger adolescents (12 - 14 years old) are more likely to have unplanned sexual intercourse and more likely to be coerced into sex. Adolescents 18 - 19 years old are technically adults, and half of adolescent pregnancies occur in this age group.

- Risk factors for adolescent pregnancy include:

• Younger age
• Poor school performance
• Economic disadvantage
• Single or teen parents




- Teenage Pregnancy symptoms include:

• Abdominal distension
• Breast enlargement and breast tenderness
• Fatigue
• Light-headedness or actual fainting
• Missed period
• Nausea/vomiting
• Frequent urination




- Signs and tests -     

The adolescent may or may not admit to being involved sexually. If the teen is pregnant, there are usually weight changes (usually a gain, but there may be a loss if nausea and vomiting are significant). Examination may show increased abdominal girth, and the health care provider may be able to feel the fundus (the top of the enlarged uterus).
Pelvic examination may reveal bluish or purple coloration of vaginal walls, bluish or purple coloration and softening of the cervix, and softening and enlargement of the uterus.
• A pregnancy test of urine and/or serum HCG are usually positive.
• A pregnancy ultrasound may be done to confirm or check accurate dates for pregnancy.




- Treatment -

All options made available to the pregnant teen should be considered carefully, including abortion, adoption, and raising the child with community or family support. Discussion with the teen may require several visits with a health care provider to explain all options in a non-judgmental manner and involve the parents or the father of the baby as appropriate.
Early and adequate prenatal care, preferably through a program that specializes in teenage pregnancies, ensures a healthier baby. Pregnant teens need to be assessed for smoking, alcohol use, and drug use, and they should be offered support to help them quit.
Adequate nutrition can be encouraged through education and community resources. Appropriate exercise and adequate sleep should also be emphasized. Contraceptive information and services are important after delivery to prevent teens from becoming pregnant again.
Pregnant teens and those who have recently given birth should be encouraged and helped to remain in school or re-enter educational programs that give them the skills to be better parents, and provide for their child financially and emotionally. Accessible and affordable child care is an important factor in teen mothers continuing school or entering the work force.




- Expectations (prognosis) -

Having her first child during adolescence makes a woman more likely to have more children overall. Teen mothers are about 2 years behind their age group in completing their education. Women who have a baby during their teen years are more likely to live in poverty.
Teen mothers with a history of substance abuse are more likely to start abusing by about 6 months after delivery.
Teen mothers are more likely than older mothers to have a second child within 2 years of their first child.
Infants born to teenage mothers are at greater risk for developmental problems. Girls born to teen mothers are more likely to become teen mothers themselves, and boys born to teen mothers have a higher than average rate of being arrested and jailed.




- Complications -

Adolescent pregnancy is associated with higher rates of illness and death for both the mother and infant. Death from violence is the second leading cause of death durig pregnancy for teens, and is higher in teens than in any other group.
Pregnant teens are at much higher risk of having serious medical complications such as:

• Placenta previa
• Pregnancy-induced hypertension
• Premature delivery
• Significant anemia
• Toxemia

Infants born to teens are 2 - 6 times more likely to have low birth weight than those born to mothers age 20 or older. Prematurity plays the greatest role in low birth weight, but intrauterine growth retardation (inadequate growth of the fetus during pregnancy) is also a factor.
Teen mothers are more likely to have unhealthy habits that place the infant at greater risk for inadequate growth, infection, or chemical dependence. The younger a mother is below age 20, the greater the risk of her infant dying during the first year of life.
It is very important for pregnant teens to have early and adequate prenatal care.




- Calling your Health Care Provider -

Make an appointment with your health care provider if you have symptoms of pregnancy. Vigilant parents or guardians who have discovered that their daughter is pregnant or seem to show such symptoms may be in a better position to do this as it is characteristic of such girl to want to hide it from the parents (especially in parts of the world where being pregnant at such age is strongly frowned at by parents.) Your health care provider can also provide counseling regarding birth control methods, sexually transmitted diseases etc.